I feel alone, even though silence has its answers.
I seek an assemblage of souls relative to my mind & heart.
Different people with journeys not the same, there’s no growth without the pain.
This mental and emotional Rubik’s cube I'm trying to master.
So therefore I embrace my life as a beautiful disaster.
My name is Tony Gonzalez, I’m 35 and I’m from Sleepy Hollow, New York.
Depression is like my unwanted best friend. It’s a feeling that I’m most familiar and, ironically, most comfortable with. From being told I was worthless and made to feel hopeless, to being emasculated and having suppressed my independence, I slowly became my feelings. As time went on, it got worse and it took a huge toll on me. I became a recluse, an introverted and awkward person around others, and I still am this way to this day.
No one taught me about self-worth, or that I can achieve anything I want if I study and put my efforts in my dreams, so I grew up confused and not really knowing my potential. Without these crucial building blocks I ended up underestimating and underrating myself without even realizing I was doing so. I was thinking and feeling so mediocre that I thought everything beyond that was a fantasy or just impossible to achieve.
Anything positive I wanted to try and become, whether it was about being a musician or an athlete, I couldn’t do. Sometimes I was told I couldn’t participate in such activities, and other times my mental chains prevented me from putting the necessary effort to at least try.
Although I took my feelings for granted, deep down inside me I knew that something wasn’t right and things weren’t connecting. I felt like I was meant for something better and bigger than what I was made to believe. So as time went on, I tried to live out my dreams, but without the necessary confidence and self-esteem needed to pursue anything in life, nothing worked out. The depression became so severe, that it affected my thinking, my speech, my attitude and demeanor. Even the music I was listening to, changed.
The abandonment issues, along with seeing things like my mother get beaten in front of me and not being able to do anything but watch, as well as seeing my war veteran grandfather drink himself to the point of Alzheimer’s made me very angry and bitter inside. As for me, I was sexually violated and pressured into doing things I wasn’t mentally and emotionally ready for, and always bullied by people for reasons I still don’t know till this day. My smiles were few and far between and I had a very negative attitude.
There were no positive role models in my life to give me some motivation or inspiration to live my life and appreciate my time on this earth. I was just floating through life without realizing that I’m a special individual with a purpose…even though I somehow knew I had a purpose but didn’t exactly know what that was. All I knew was that somehow, someway, I wanted to be a positive influence for others, but didn’t know how to pursue or approach this desire.
I got so used to not really wanting to try and make something for myself, that it became such a normal feeling for me and I used this as an excuse not to push myself to my potential. I was never reliant on drugs or alcohol, but my internal issues were my drugs because those feelings were everything I knew and the only things that felt familiar and normal to me. Then I finally decided to stand up to my demons because I was tired of being a victim and making excuses for myself as to why I can’t be who I want in life regardless of who or what made me feel I couldn’t.
I finally wanted to change because being angry all the time was a heavy weight I was tired of carrying. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I needed and wanted a change. Anger affected me in different ways over time from mentally, to emotionally and physically. I wanted to be happy and healthy in every way, so I had to make the switch a.s.a.p.
I worked as a summer camp counselor for 9 years and seeing young children always happy and laughing and living life, reminded me how I was and it made me want to be like that again. Surprisingly enough the quote "Be the change you wish to see in the world." by Mahatma Gandhi, hit it home for me. One day I'd like to be a loving boyfriend, husband and father so I have to change within myself in order to break the negative cycle.
Now every day is a different story. Sometimes I have good days and I can be productive and get a good workout in or take a walk outside and anything else I want. Other days can be difficult and not so productive. The thing that helps me a lot is working out. I look forward to working out because it gives me some type of control over how I feel. Seeing results has a positive impact on me both physical and emotional, and it helps to build my self-esteem. I can say that working out has multiple benefits for me. This is the reason why gym gear is very important to me. I don’t just go with any brand or label, it has to appeal to me and make me want to wear it and show it off at the gym. I stumbled across the Mava brand as I was on the market for a snug and fitting, yet unrestricted feel of a workout glove. It’s the best piece of material I’ve purchased!
I just started getting back into fitness as I took a few months break from battling the ever relenting enemy called depression. I've recently decided to stand up to my demons and not let them control me, and I want to be consistent and not let anything deter me from my life and my fitness goals. I often find motivation and inspiration in other people’s life stories and how they put all the effort into reaching their goals. I try to be my own inspiration and motivation in hopes to be a positive motivator for others who may be going through their own life struggles.
I wouldn’t say that my life changed, but it's been transitioning since I’ve decided to make the switch a few months ago, and I know it is hard work every day to keep the positive thoughts and ideas flowing, but I want to be a champion in my life and one characteristic of being a champion is consistency.
I want to be living proof that no matter what obstacles you face, you can make a positive difference for yourself and live the good healthy life you deserve. I believe I deserve to live my life in the best possible way. I want to be happy… I want to love… And I want to learn how to smile again. For me to get there, I have to remind myself every day that I want and need these standard things in life and that I must work for this and rebuild my mind by thinking positive. I want to be grateful that I’m alive and lucky to see another day and have the chance to make things better for myself. This right here is what I describe as a beautiful struggle.
The poetry I write represents my deepest thoughts put into artistic form that I hope can resonate with others. I look at life as the best muse available to all of us. I hope my poetry can help spark inspiration for others to flip the switch to at least make the effort to change their lives for the positive and maybe pay it forward and be a living, breathing, positive example for others to make that positive change.
My advice for those going through similar struggles as me is not to let your thoughts control you, stand up for yourself and put the effort in every day, because your future self will thank you for it someday.
My name is Tony Gonzalez and I suffer from severe depression and PTSD from the mental, emotional and sexual abuse I experienced in my life. Yes, I’m still depressed and semi-suicidal. Yes, I’m still angry inside and feeling bitter. But I believe that I am trying and somewhat making progress in just letting go of the past, hitting the reset button and creating a new and improved version of myself that has been inside me all along. So I might say that, in essence, my emotional and mental nightmare has become the foundation to create my new reborn existence.
I'm an uncrowned King
A diamond stuck in the coals
A passionate love that's volcanic
Timid, mysterious, yet bold.
I'd give you the key to the library called my mind if I could
A living breathing story waiting to be read & understood.
This article is part of our Mava Customer Spotlight series. We like to talk to our customers and learn things about them, and sometimes we hear stories that we know can motivate people reading them. Through these stories we want to motivate everybody to let go of the things that are holding them back and start making their way towards a healthy and happy life. We want you to start working out for your sake and start making positive changes for your life. This is the reason why our Customer Spotlight was created. We hope you find the motivation you seek and start dealing with what is currently holding you back and start living the life you were meant to live.
P.S. Here is Tony's Instagram account if you want to check out more of his pictures and posts. https://www.instagram.com/tg914/